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here’s a rant…

PMDD fucking sucks. i was due for my period today and got nothing. so another day of pure hell and torture. that’s the best way i can explain it. earlier i was so irritable and angry for no reason. i had to keep reminding myself that it’s ME, not them. and now tonight i am feeling very melancholy and mopey. i hate living my life like this.

matt is out of the hospital and in a rehab center. i am still traumatized from seeing him in the ER the day it all happened. he’s able to ambulate, bathe himself, etc. it’s just so scary to sit here and think of what could’ve happened to him if we was alone when his aneurysm ruptured. he’s like my big brother; the strongest man in my life. i’ve been on autopilot for the past few weeks and it’s catching up to me. i’ll explain more in a bit.

my dad is eating again, twice a day. as opposed to once a day. he was so sick for three weeks that he only ate three times. we went to the ER (after i begged and pleaded and got shut down) they found pneumonia in his lower left and right lobes of his lungs, and also a suspicious spot on his right lung. he’s going for a cat scan this week. i’m trying to prepare myself for the worst because in all reality, he is not a healthy man. he’s neglected his health for years. i’m keeping my fingers crossed.

last weekend was my turn to go to the er. i’ve been having dizziness and blackout spells when i stand up and start walking. this has been going for weeks and until last week i neglected to tell anyone as we all have enough on our plates already. i had a cat scan, xrays and ekg. all normal. i followed up with my primary care doc (whom i love - great man) he seems to think i may have a sinus infection which is causing fluid in my inner ear. also said that fatigue is a major sign of sinus infection. not to be gross, but i don’t have any yellow snot or anything. if the antibiotics don’t make my dizzy/blackouts dissipate, i will have to have an MRI. other possibilities on the table include growths in my inner ear (which i doubt as i have no pain) and the big whopper— multiple sclerosis. evidently the whole “going blind” thing is a symptom of MS and he said it usually onsets in women ages between 20-40. idk. i doubt that’s the problem. shit, i hope that’s not the problem.

also, my platelet count is very low. i have an autoimmune disorder called idiopathic thrombocytopenia purpura (yeah, it’s usually referred to as ITP). which is also causing my fatigue. basically when i have an infection going on, my blood attacks my body instead of the infection. i had red speckles (purpura) on my face the other day and i am covered in bruises. (low platelet count - hard to form a clot.) so, a normal platelet count is 250-400. my count is at 88. no wonder i feel like shit. i have to go get more bloodwork done in a month to see where we’re at.

i got paid today. a whole $219 since i’ve only worked a few hours the past few weeks. with all that’s going on, i can’t handle much more work, especially with all that’s been going oin. $168 of that will be my car payment, which leaves me with just enough for gas money. being broke sucks. being emotionally, physically and mentally run down also sucks.

i’m just ranting here because i’m sure people are sick of hearing me bitch. once my period starts i should be able to handle all this a little better. PMDD soo, so, sooooo awful. and it’ll be with me for the rest of my life…

as over the rhine said: 

here is my hopelessness
though i’m not helpless
i need a window
that i can climb through

just one small opening
a little lantern to light my way
discovering my hands
catch at the altar
i fall on my face as the words hit my ear

listening to this gem of an album tonight. words can’t describe…

listening to this gem of an album tonight. words can’t describe…

As far as east is
From the west
I let you go
I know it’s best

My OtR setlist collection minus the one we recently got in Chicago.

My OtR setlist collection minus the one we recently got in Chicago.


This is my song to myself.

over the rhine - the laugh of recognition